Your Prospective Partner

Read this in David Richo’s book, How to be an Adult in Relationships, which was shared by a friend. Such good food for thought, I needed to share.

ONCE WE MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES IN AN ADULT WAY, a prospective partner who is unavailable, nonreciprocal, or not open to processing feelings and issues, becomes, by those very facts, unappealing. Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us.

A person is a candidate for a relationship when he is able and willing to give and receive love, to handle feelings, to make a commitment, and to keep agreements. He can show [attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing] in ways that are pleasing, satisfying, and noninvasive. He can forgive and let go of his ego long enough to work problems out amicably and fairly most of the time. He follows a reconciliation (not retaliation) model in his interactions. He loves you for yourself, not as the latest woman to fill the slot in his life marked “female.” (Rebound relationships are especially dangerous in this regard.)

A suitable candidate will probably meet the following additional criteria:

-Lives reasonably close by

-Has no distracting ties that make true commitment impossible, such as another relationship in progress, an old relationship unfinished, a divorce pending, a parent to be cared for or consulted (children do not represent an obstacle unless they require or are given so much attention that he is tied codependently to their needs and has no life of his own)

-Has no active addictions

-Has no overpowering political or religious obsessions

-Wants children if you do, or does not want them if you do not

-Has the sexual capacity, accessibility, and interest to satisfy you or can work on it within the relationship

-Has no disability with respect to money (e.g., cannot earn, spend, share, save, lend, contribute, receive)

-Is your friend and not just your sex partner; loves your company and is compatible

-Shares interests with you

-Is on fairly close intellectual par, so you do not have to play down your vocabulary or acumen

-Is not looking for the ideal woman/man (To need the ideal woman is not to want a real woman — the only kind out there!)

-Does not appear to you to be ideal; you are not so infatuated that you cannot see his shadow side

-Has done at least half the work it takes to be healthy in life and relationships

-Satisfies the ruthless criterion that applies to all significant choices: that a relationship with him reflects and fulfills your deepest needs, values, and wishes

-Can and loves to focus on you in an engaged, lasting way (How do I know this is happening enough? You can remember the last time it happened.)

-Meets with the welcoming approval of your personal trio — your head, your heart, and your gut

Do these criteria fit your prospective — or current — partner?

David Richo, How to be an Adult in Relationships, pp. 85-86